It’s just a few days before my scheduled and now cancelled flight to India. It’s always been this mission of mine to go to India. So why did I cancel my flight? Well, a few reasons. What’s the real reason? That I am still trying to figure out. Maybe we can unravel the answer together as I spill out of my hands onto the screen. As I try to form something that makes sense so I can feel liberated about my decision.
Honestly, I was heartbroken. I felt like a failure, I finally just did it and then I cancelled. What kind of joke am I?
Let’s go back to the day I asked a girl I worked with who claimed to be a medium what her guides told her about my trip to India. She said she had to take a break and she’d return. When she was away she text me, “Peter says, that what you are seeking in India, you can find here.” “If you are seeking something, you will be disappointed.” Would you rather be disappointed here with your friends and family or alone in another country?”
Well fuck, how am I suppose to respond to that?
Instantly something inside me said, “I’m not going.” Was it the fear finding comfort?” “Was this real advice? ““Is this girl really a medium or is she full of it?”
All of the above crossed my mind. I sat alone with my thoughts and tried to dissect my intentions. My patterns, my logic.
Originally I thought I wanted to just go somewhere and explore, of course I chose the least luxurious and most intense country. I also took mushrooms impulsively because I wanted to heal my “crap” once. That didn’t work. I just felt like I hitched a ride to a weird party and I was waiting for the party “ trip” to be over. To then be thankful of being boring, safe and sober and cozy in my room. See the pattern here? I dive deep to try to find or fix something to then just be grateful for what was before.
AHA! What am I running from? My boredom? Maybe, Ok. Why am I bored? Because I am not doing anything with what is in front of me. Because I am not fully awake now so I can’t see the magic around me. So I have to get tossed to finally be a grateful lil bitch? Am I really that disconnected? I guess I am or can be.
So what is around me? There’s plenty of opportunities. To grow, to love, to heal. Why do I need to fly to another country to to do this? Because I think being far away from here I will fix whatever needs fixing here? That’s silly.
What I was running away from was myself so I can run back to that self. Well that sounds complicated and expensive.
Let’s see where this patterns started; I am going back to the age of 10. I got my period at this young and confusing age. I was ready to put on the most obnoxious Wet N Wild lipstick I could get my hands on ASAP. Watch out disposable camera print shop. I have a whole lot of awkward photos for you to print too. I rebelled hard. My parents just recently separated for the first time and I had to go with the mean parent. My Mother. Not sure why, she was not very fond of me. My father was my rock. My best friend. I remember the day I started my period. I was at a friends and in her pool. I came home and was excited I started my period. Better yet, I was excited to be a women. A women I was not allowed to be yet. A women with a lot of emotions and past life trauma to re -live. Go me! So I did whatever I could behind my Mothers back and when I was hurt for being myself. I threatened to run away! The ever so dramatic, “I’m running away!”
Oh you bet I ran away, to my friends house…then back.
I went nuts that summer. My first kiss was with a Freshman boy that lived near me. So that made him 14, ya. I kissed him just to say I have kissed a boy. Then he went to his first dance with a really pretty girl his age. CRUSHED. How could he? Fuck rejections really sucked at that age. Oh well, that’s what I get for rushing something…Aha, “RUSHING”. There’s a vibration to this, it feels like a pattern I am still experiencing and may have been influenced by when I booked my flight.
Ok, now let’s fast forward a bit. Let’s go to the day I booked the flight. It was a summer day in the year 2018. I was at a job called, Bliss 101. A cute shop that sales local art, furniture and offers interior design consultations. It was slow and I must have been bored so I looked up flights to India. As I was looking, I found a round trip ticket for under $600! This is unreal! Woohoo? Should I do it? Just book it? Ya? ya? OK! DONE!!!! Oh I was so excited too! I thought that was going to push me to do something I’ve always wanted to do. So I had to plan now!
I got a second job. I worked so much, I didn’t do anything besides work, work, work. I also had anxiety attacks from all the work I was doing and not resting. Why was I doing all this? To catch my breath or try to for 6 weeks while I am in India?
This all sounds kinda silly. I am over working, drained, grumpy, and out of it. Just to do something that is suppose to make me fucking normal? Why can’t I find peace here? Why do I need to go there for peace? What am I running away from now? RESPONSIBILITY. I AM RUNNING AWAY FROM BEING RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS. MY OWN POWER, MY OWN FREE CREATION! I’ve worked so hard to just then burn it all away. What if it sucks over there? What if I hate it? Oh it’s not so bad here, kinda smells nice. Kinda love this, that, oh this is peaceful. Oh I like this too, Oh, that was nice. It was as if I was running around in circles on the 2nd floor trying to feel the earth. All I needed was to walk downstairs and slow down. Pay attention and it was all there. It’s been there. I was just running outside myself to then find myself sitting there. Waiting for me to connect again.
I am here to to be a part of the earth. To walk and feel every essence of it. To create with it. I am responsible for each seed I grow in the garden. I am responsible of creating a garden that will feed my dreams.
My father is a very down to earth man with a sarcastic sense of humor. He’s always been the most humble hard working man I have ever met. He has been there for me almost all my life. He’s not a perfect human but he was love to me. His love felt down to earth, practical, efficient and kind. Why not embody what he has taught me and see if this path leads to love, growth and healing. What if I was just a boring bull like my father and enjoyed having my nose facing the ground. Creating with the earth, being patient with my seeds, nourishing the moment as it comes.
Sometimes we have to stop I guess and stop running. Stop painting daydreams because it’s fun and not actually live the dream. I want to live the dream. I want to feel it. I want to grow my own garden instead of roam in others. I was an escape artist, escaping reality. Could be a pretty death wish because I don’t really know how to be here. Kinda like that 10 year old that didn’t know how to deal with the hormones or acenstral trauma.
How can I solidify my presence on earth, here. How can I tap into my purpose on earth. I’ve been flying by handles my whole life trying to feel the earth but didn’t know it.
I have landed, in the present, the now. The silence. The gold. It lives inside me. I am yin, I remain patient and still as my dreams come to me instead of running away in a rush to just be back in traffic.
It’s like we forgot simplicity, we have create mazes that lead to where we started. Might as well take it slow and steady. Grateful for what is already blessing me and will be in the present moment.
That’s always were the magic is anyway.